The Great Skylight Crisis of 2008: Part 1

Today should have been a good day. Today should have been quiet and relaxing. Today should have been a chance to get some more sleep after the horrible night of last. Having enjoyed a nice long drinking session in Burghead, crashing on my friend's floor seemed to be even more uncomfortable than usual.

As always, I was sleeping on a unique kind of airbed I’ve never actually used before. It's smaller than a normal one, and has no pillow section. When it comes to comfort however, it's on par with a bed of nice soft nimbus clouds. Actually, maybe the clouds are a bad example. A rusty sheet of corrugated iron would perhaps be a bit closer.

Anyway, having spent the majority of the majority of the night fighting my other friend for the covers, banging my head on a Playstation 3 that had for some reason been left in a bag next to my head, and turning down the offers for some light sodomy and quenching my ever growing thirst with warm Coca-Cola, I got roughly two hours sleep.

So the plan, inevitably, was to come home and curl up under the sheets of my glorious warm and soft double bed and catch up on some of those Z’s lost to the torcher device, I mean airbed.

It was not to be.

The first problem came when I opened the front door to find my brother up a ladder with his head in the loft. To put this in perspective, the only times anyone ever goes into the loft is either when there’s something terribly wrong with the house, or when it is Christmas time and the long, arduous task of bringing the decorations down is thrust upon the household.

And I wasn’t wearing a party hat and pulling crackers.

As it turns out, due to the immensely strong winds of recent days combined with the immensely old age of my house (in certain versions of the bible the last supper was actually hosted in my living room) meant that one of the skylights in the loft had been completely blown free of it’s frame, and had plunged mercilessly to the ground.

At this point, I supposed it is worth pointing out that there are several things to be thankful for. After all, had someone been walking past when the glass landed, they could have been killed, or worse, severely injured. Then they would have hired a big-shot lawyer, who would then have pointed out that I have a Duty Of Care for in and around my property, and therefore should have signs warning passers by that they may be struck by falling plains of glass and other parts of the house. Mr Lawyer and his injured but oh-so-unforgiving client would then proceed to sue me and take all of my money, and I will be forced to live on the street and avoid other people’s falling windows, because I will be homeless and unable to afford my own big shit lawyer.

Happily, no one was injured, so all that was left to do was figure out what to do. The obvious thing would be to call the Royal Bank of Scotland, whose insurance scheme allows immediate response in the case of a household emergency.
An emergency? If it were to rain during the night when the window wasn’t mended, water would enter the house, seep through the ceiling, and thanks to the position of the skylight in question, would then leak all over my bed, which would then make it look like I had leaked. This sounds like an emergency to me.

However, according to the bank, since the seven-headed beast from the Book of Revelations wasn’t currently attacking the house, this wasn’t serious enough to be classed as emergency, and they weren’t going to send anyone.

This meant we’d have to call in a joiner, who would shout a lot, smoke in the house, scare the cat, wear a cap, leave doors open and make fun of the long haired guy because he supports Kilmarnock. So what I had expected to be a morning of sleep and relaxation had turned into a morning of double strength hot coffee, and even hotter tempers.

And do you know what? It’s (un)surprisingly hard to get hold of a joiner in such short notice, towards the end of the school holidays. Having phoned several joiners, who would in return tell me that they couldn’t do anything, and I should try this other man, who might be available. He wasn’t, and nor was the man he recommended, trying, or the one he also recommended.

Having gotten through more cups of coffee than the entire Friends gang put together, it was time to phone the Bank again, who would be able to send a man over to place a piece of wood where the window used to be as a temporary. And right now, I’m sitting here with my eleventy twelfth millionth coffee, awaiting the possibly psychopathic man to turn up with is board of wood.

Will the window ever be properly fixed? Will I ever get time for my well-needed sleep, and if I do, will I be able to sleep after all this caffeine? Will the man be a normal nice person, or a certifiable lunatic who will impale me on a sharp corner of 6x12 inch wooden board?

All of your questions – providing I haven’t been brutally murdered - will be answered in part 2.
So please, pray for me.

Back in time at twice the speed of sound.

As I type this, we are at the peak of technology. We have the vast network that is the interweb, we can watch our favourite films in the middle of the ocean, we have microwavable rice, a space station in orbit, and the days of crawling through ice fields on a week long journey to cross the Atlantic are over, we can now get there in a mere 6 hours. Yet, we used to be able to do that in half that time.

Concorde's withdrawal from service was the biggest technological step backwards since, well, ever really. While the Americans have the claim of putting a man on the moon, even the top dogs at NASA will admit that creating an airliner that can do Mach 2 was a bigger challenge than Apollo 11. For many years now we have had jet fighters flying up in the stratosphere, but these are for one man with a triangle torso in a flight jacket with wires coming out of it. But this was for many men in suits, with briefcases and beer guts. How on earth were we going to do this?

Fortunately, we managed. While most of the countries who signed up for the challenge pulled out, we stayed in, along with that other country. The Russians had their attempt at making a supersonic airliner, but their TU-144 could barely make it to the end of the runway without needing more fuel. The Yanks had a go as well, but they were really too ambitious. They aimed for Mach 3 and wanted to ad swinging wings and what not, but this never even made it to the production stage. Concorde was, and still is in my opinion, the greatest technological achievement in mind kinds history, and I’m not holding my breathe for something better to come along.

So why the retirement? Well, the Americans didn't help. They decided that since it wasn't an American aircraft, that it couldn't go supersonic over their country. But the crash in Paris is often seen as the fatal wound that took away many people's faith in Concorde, and I fail to see why. I mean, here we have an aircraft, that in its 30+ years of service, has never put a foot wrong. Then, one of them crashes, and it's now seen as more deadly than a nuclear holocaust. This is stupid, frankly. Dozens of 747s have crashed throughout the years, yet are we suddenly going to stop using them? No, of course we aren’t.

There are many decisions some people make that I will never understand. For example, why join the Royal Navy when you can join the Merchant Navy instead? In a choice between dying with honour and no limbs and cruising the Caribbean with no honour what so ever, I know what I’d pick. Of course, I am rather glad that other people have chosen the other. But the decision to withdraw Concorde was just abysmal. Richard Branson, bless him, tried to buy the machines to put into service with Virgin Atlantic, but the stern faced suits in charge of British Airways, said "no".

Flying in Concorde was always one of my dreams, but now it will never happen. I will be forced to ride cattle class on a 6 hour flight on a 747 instead. And while the 747 is a fine machine, it has none of the impact that Concorde had. When Concorde flew overhead, people stopped work just to see it. It was a symbol of national pride for both the UK and France. It was the way forward, a well to tell the people that the only way is forward, and Concorde would lead the way. And now it's gone forever, and have we gotten any further forward? Jeremy Clarkson said to himself as he stepped off of the last flight "This is one small step for a man, but one giant leap backwards for mind kind". Fine words Jeremy, sad words, but true words.

Should we be more like The Netherlands?

A couple of the laws the Dutch employ are rather controversial, the obvious two being the legalisation of prostitution and certain drugs. To some, this is heaven, to others, it isn't. To me, it's darn sensible.

Let's take a look at our own country, where drugs and prostitution are illegal. Does that mean that there are no drugs or prostitutes here? No, of course not, that would be a stupid thing to say. The Dutch political philosophy is that if you can't solve something, you should try and control it, rather than try to eliminate it all together. And things are working perfectly down there!

Prostitution is a full on legal industry down there. It is after all, the oldest business in the world. Girls who choose to go into this profession are given very regular health checks to make sure there is no danger of spreading STDs, and they are given proper wages and treated like proper employees. Some say this is terrible, and that the Dutchies should be more like us, and make prostitution illegal. So, what would you prefer? Healthy well paid women working in legal brothels or aids ridden illegal immigrants roaming around the streets under the control of the evil slave master known as the pimp? In Holland, there are no pimps, human trafficking down there is almost none existent. Can we say the same up here? Only a few hundred yards from where I’m sitting right now is the street where the Polish "ladies of the night" are said to roam at the later hours. These women didn't wake up one morning and think to themselves "I know what I’ll do today! I'll immigrate to Britain and sell my body to people, possibly getting myself aids! What a fab idea!", no, they were brought here illegally to try and make a better life for themselves, and look what’s happened to them.

The same can be said for drugs. In Holland, you can buy soft drugs like cannabis at your corner store with your milk and Pot Noodles. Here, you have to go to some back alley somewhere and risk getting mugged and/or arrested. In Holland, there is a distinction between hard drugs and soft drugs, which is the way it should be. In reality, these soft drugs are no worse for you than cigarettes, and according to some, they are actually better for you. Someone I know of who was pregnant in the groovy 70s asked her doctor if she could still do pot, he replied "So long as you don't smoke and drink, then you can do as much of that as you want". What does that say about this "illegal substance"? In The Netherlands, the drug dealer, like the pimp, is a specie of scum that doesn't roam it's flat lands.

The Dutch have a lot of great ideas, so maybe we should legalize these things, throw on some clogs, and listen to some Hocus Pocus.

The Union HiJack

Ah, the Union Flag, the true symbol of Unionism (which I proudly stand for), our national heritage, and um, according to some, white nationalism. But we'll get to that little abomination later on. For now, let's look at the positive aspects of this flag, and while we're at it, a quick history lesson.

The beginnings of the flag date back to the Union of the Crowns in 1603, when King James the 6th of Scotland inherited the thrones of England, becoming James the 1st of England. This was what set the foundations of the United Kingdom. In 1606 Jamesy boy said he wanted a flag to represent both his kingdoms, to fly from ships of both the Royal English Navy and the Royal Scottish Navy. The flag that resulted was the first incarnation of the flag we know today, the primary different being that there is no red saltire to represent Ireland, which had yet to become part of the Union. Originally it was just flown from ships, hence the term Union Jack (a jack is a flag that's flown off a ship). In 1707 when the United Kingdom of Great Britain officially became a nation in it's own right, the Union Flag because the official British flag, becoming one of the most recognized symbols in the world. In 1801, when Ireland became part of the Union, the flag was changed to incorporate the St Patrick’s cross, and this is the flag that we know today. There has been some complaints coming from the mouths of the Welsh, moaning about the flag not having any representation in the flag, which is untrue, since Wales was annexed by England during the union of the crowns, it is represented by the St George flag. There has been some edits of the flag to include the St David's Cross or the Red Dragon, but hopefully nothing with ever happen with this. Nowadays, the flag is still under fire from a few thousand angry Welshmen, some Scottish Nationalists who want to destroy Scotland with Independence, and of course, the Political Correctness people, who seem to be able to turn anything into a symbol of oppression. Sadly, this is what the flag seems to have become these days. If you go to America, you see everyone proudly flying the Stars and Stripes without shame. If you did that in Britain you would be labeled as an extremist. Terrible isn't it?

There are two reasons for this. The first being that many recognize the Union Flag to be a relic of the colonial days, what with all its cruelty and slavery and the works. I obviously don't agree with cruelty and slavery, but I do take pride in looking back at the British Empire, and being proud that I come from what was at one time the largest power on the entire planet.

The other reason is of course, the National Front, who claim that to be British you must be white and of Anglo-Saxon ancestry. They believe that by returning anyone with different bloodlines to the lands their ancestors' ancestors came from they are "protecting the British race". This of course, is nonsense, but I won't go to deeply into that. What I will go into though is the NF's logo, which is the letters N & F conjoined, leaning to the right, and of course, with a Union Flag in the background. This is one of the only British parties that actually have our national flag in their logo, another one is the BNP; exactly. Thanks to the flags association with the far right, other parties are now terrified that if they include the Union Flag in their logo, they'll be labeled as being racist bigots. It's appalling.

Me? Well, I’m proudly conservative and I stand against oppression, and I will proudly flay my country's flag where ever and whenever I want. If you want to label me far right, go ahead. All your doing is insulting your own country (unless your not British, in which case, your not insulting your own country).

Political Correctness...The Punishment Due

In these modern times in this modern Britain, we can look back at our former empire and think "Ah yes, we really were something back then", while others can look back at it and think "Urgh, tyrants!". Yet these days, there is one superpower that makes our empire look like an old man's garden, one that would render our empire, even if we had it in this day and age where you can buy nuclear weapons for a very reasonable price at your local Asda (buy one get one free), completely and utterly useless.

Oh no, I’m not talking about our "brothers in the west" in America, nor am I talking about the Russians, oh no. Even they would fall down to what is the biggest power of them all, political correctness.

As we all know, over in America political correctness is tailgated by its closest ally, health and safetly. It's a well believed fact that if someone in America so much as coughs on the other side of the road from you, you can sue them for everything they've got. Happily, I’m not a Yank, and our suing culture over here, while still rather large, is still a mere fad compared to the American's. What is worse over here though, is political correctness.

We live in a country where our national flag is a symbol of racial oppression; if I were to walk down the street wearing a Union Flag T-shirt, I’d be labelled as one of those nutters from the National Front. You just can't be patriotic here, and these days you can't say anything without offending someone. It's ridiculous, it's taking away one of our most basic freedoms, it's taking away our freedom of speech.

Not so long ago, a man who I’m not going to name (and who, I proudly stand against), from a certain far right party I’m not going to name, said something about Islam being a vicious and wicked faith. I'm not going to comment on that, not today anyway. What I am going to comment about though, is whether or not that statement is the case, he should still be allowed to express his own opinion, right?

Well, no, not according to PC Britain in "new Labour". This man was taken to court on charges of hate speech, merely for expressing his own opinion. What’s worse is the fact that they're trying to make such speech illegal.

Pity.

Black Metal Bands: Dime a Dozen

Of course, back in the day, composing music comprised entirely of blast beats, rasped vocals and drawling continuous guitar lines with no low end whatsoever may have been considered unique, but in a day when a couple dozen new black metal bands are submitted to Encyclopedia Metallium a day, you'd think someone out there would consider doing something a little bit different. Each one of these new bands you hear have very little to offer. While I must point out that there is nothing wrong with the traditional raw black metal sound, there is something wrong when the world and his brother are using this fairly simple sound that's been recycled over and over. And of course, who can forget the age old black metal cliché of covering Mayhem's Deathcrush.

A simple search for bands that have this song on a release reveals that 169 releases on the database include this song. Of course, some of these releases are by Mayhem themselves, and the odd cover was inevitable, and this being a particularly basic song to play, this was an obvious one, but 169 releases?! And that's just the bands in the database, who knows how many other obscure bands have covered it during live performances...Hundreds? Thousands perhaps...

And it's not just the Deathcrush cliché that's been taken to extremes, every cliché in the book of black metal has been recycled over and over so much that the entire genre can be regarded as a joke to some. Heck, the first black metal song I heard made me laugh, plainly because it was like nothing I’d ever heard before. And the album in question has been ridiculed by the core black metal fan base anyway, primarily because of the vocal performance.

The most obvious cliché is the corpse paint. Even the bands who pioneered black metal, such as Mayhem, Darkthrone, Emperor and such, have abandoned this image because of the fact that it has become a bit of a trend, which was what black metal was originally against; the oncoming trend of death metal (urg!). And of course, who can forget the incredibly illegible logos, with their pentagrams and inverted crosses and what not, blended into them?

Yet, the sad thing is, and this is almost unique in black metal, as soon as a band does attempt to take black metal in a new direction and do something different, they're hated for it! Cradle of Filth are a prime example. They took the synth based black metal of Emperor, increased on the amount of synths/keyboards used and added more melody to it with the odd symphonic part here and the spot of female vocals there, and they're dubbed as heretics against black metal! Sure, their earlier releases were received fairly warmly, but they were closer to traditional black metal in style anyway, and even these releases had their haters. If you look at the later releases of the band where they started to leave the traditional black metal roots behind (although this varies from who you hear it from; I generally conclude that everything up to and including "Cruelty and the Beast" as black metal) and incorporate a more melodic (although they’d always been melodic anyway) sound rooted heavily in NWOBHM music of their "Midian" album, they were said to be the biggest sellouts in the history of metal. I mean, you could always tell that the band was never going to stay the same anyway; even their earlier black metal releases all had a very different sound. And let’s never forget their early attempts at death metal with their first 3 demos. I'll admit that I’m not to struck on the bands latest two releases since they got signed to Roadrunner Records, but to say that this band is generic and then go on to praise some obscure band who's demo sounds like it was recorded in a bathroom with the shower running is unthinkable! There are those who would point to the "unique" vocal styles of Dani Filth as a reason to dislike, but black metal elitists don't seem to like anything unique...

Sadly, Black Metal is a dying genre of music anyway, despite the optimists of a third wave of black metal from Sweden and France, these days most black metal bands are just a throw back to the genres heyday in the early nineties, except not as good. It's a shame really, the only newer black metal bands I can enjoy are more melodic based with heavy use of keyboards and synthesizers. When I finally succeed and seek out musicians with the same ambitions as me, you will see some unique takes on black metal (Ha!).